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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24851953">Soulgoism</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamday/pseuds/mamday'>mamday</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Realicide - Grej (Web Series), The Realicide (Webseries)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:15:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,180</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24851953</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamday/pseuds/mamday</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Egoism thinks about why he chose to come to live with the other ideologies when his life is made suddenly complicated by Soulism. Some violence against animals (Darwinism) torture (IngSoc) and non-euclidean geometries, so I made the rating 'Mature', but there is no actual sex. If you are interested but want to skip animal murder and psychological torture read chapters 1 and 2 and then skip to chapter 5</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Egoism/Communalism, Egoism/Darwinism, Egoism/Egoism, Egoism/INGSOC</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Egoism sat in his room, trying his best to focus on his reading. It was difficult to do, since the others in the house didn’t seem to have any sense of personal boundaries. Always bugging him, leaving dead animals around, or claiming that his room was actually their room. The usual comforting silence of immersing himself in an intellectually stimulating discourse was nearly impossible to achieve.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>More and more he was wondering why he had chosen to come here. In the outside world very few ever had the mental capacity to challenge him. Surely that was the optimal situation for maximizing his own individual needs? Spooked people were too predictable to ever deny him anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it had become so boring. He found himself actively trying to get other people to read even one book, just to be able to have a meaningful conversation. Short term satisfaction of his desires was not the same as the long term satisfaction of proving his ideas against an actual opponent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And certainly his housemates were nothing if not a challenge. He expected IngSoc to bore him, just repeating slogans mindlessly. But the authoritarian was surprisingly mentally agile. His slogans were not just empty propaganda, they were complex traps that enthralled weaker minds. Communalism especially seemed to hang on IngSoc’s every word, but he had seen Darwinism take an interest more than once. Egoism was obviously not swayed, but he could still see how someone else might find the passionate words moving, even worth dying for. IngSoc proved that poetry, in the right hands, was a powerful force of control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could admit to himself that he had initially underestimated Darwinism. The brutish way that he was constantly searching for prey made him seem barely more than an animal. But he had slowly come to understand the twisted game that Darwinism played. Darwinism saw empathy and hesitation as weakness. The constant parade of death was a kind of shock and awe tactic, designed to give him a psychological advantage. After the incident with the squirrel he had started taking him more seriously, and monitored Darwinism to try to avoid any additional unpleasantness. From even the small amount of observations that he had been able to make of Darwinism away from the others, he was actually very dedicated to his own education and physical fitness. Darwinism was clearly determined to not only assert physical dominance, but to prove to himself his own superiority.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Communalism was so childish and naive that he had asked them if they were legally of age to sign all the consent forms they were given at the start of this experiment. Of course Communalism had just laughed, not even taking it as an insult. They never seemed to feel bad about anything. Unless, of course, he considered the squirrel incident. He had never heard such a high pitched noise before in his life. Basically, Communalism could be moved so easily by the plight of others, but whatever happened to them, it never seemed to phase them. They always shrugged it off with a smile. It annoyed him to admit it, but they did seem to have a sense of personal individual satisfaction that belied their unwillingness to even acknowledge their own individuality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realized that at some point during his thought process he had started to feel a little flushed. His first impulse was to reject the implication of this physical reaction, but then he chastised himself internally for trying to avoid a mental challenge of his own internal belief system. An unchallenged though is a spooked thought, he reminded himself sternly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Forced to consider the implications, he was able, barely, to acknowledge that there was something a little exciting about his interactions with the other ideologies. And wasn’t it natural for excitement to manifest itself in the form of some amount of attraction? Of course it didn’t necessarily mean anything. It wasn’t like he was falling in love with any of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>BOOM</b>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment he thought that Darwinism had finally gone fully over the edge and blown up the house. Everywhere around him was blinding light. There was no heat and no pain, but that could be accounted for by shock alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then the light started to move. Tightly interwoven circles of light moved together, rotating through a three dimensional spherical space. Some terrible thing was etched along each of the bands. He tried not to see it, but somehow he couldn’t look away. When the object slowly resolved itself in his mind as a terrible unblinking eye, he suddenly felt himself falling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>ẹ̸̇t̴͕̚</span>
  <span> ̴̣͑d̴̩̔ȧ̷̖t̶̛̳a̸͇͒e̶̺̚ ̷̟̅</span>
  <span>s̷̜͗u̷͔͒n̵͍̈t̵̢̋ ̸̬̓i̸̫l̶̹̓l̴̯̎i̸͇̔s̵̰̕</span>
</p><p>
  <span> ̶̳̈́s̶̺͑ï̷̢n̶͌͜g̴̡u̷̺͑l̸̨̽a̴̞͌e̴̓͜</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>̷̪̐s̵̃͜t̷̤́o̶̼͆l̵̯̋a̵̗͐e̵͙͆ ̸̤a̸͖͂l̸̿͜b̸͙̌a̵̝e̵̲͝ ̶͂ͅe̸̛͎ṯ̸̽ </span>
  <span>̶̢̏ḍ̵̎ī̷͕ĉ̵̬t̸͉͊u̷̫̒m̴̝̓ ̴͉͌ë̷̞́s̶̞̈́t̵̹͌ ̷̀͜î̷̥l̵̯̕</span>
  <span>l̸͕̇i̶͖̽s̵̠͠ ̴̛̻u̷̳͠t̸̫͌ ̷̙̍r̴̪͊e̷̡̊q̶̭́ů̸͎i̵̟͑e̴̻͠</span>
</p><p>
  <span>sc̴͎̔e̵̠̎</span>
</p><p>
  <span>r̵̠̈́e̶̙͋n̸̩̅t̴̗̀ </span>
  <span>̶̙͂t̶̗͘e̷̮̊m̸̟p̸̺͗ủ̶͙ș̶͑</span>
  <span> ̵͉̒a̷̲͐d̵̼̓ḣ̴̢u̸̺͛c̵̥̐ ̴̗̅m̸̖̑</span>
  <span>o̶͔͗d̷̨̈́i̷̺̍c̵̖̆ü̴̥m̶̻̅ ̸̻̾d̸̻͂o̸̰͂n̴͚͝e̶͖̐c̶̦͝</span>
  <span> ̸̹̆i̵̺͊m̵̧̈́p̷̖̂l̶͙͂e̸̻̎a̶̦̾n̶̠̔t̵̗͒ư̴̤ŕ̸̬ ̷̞̍c̷̤̈́o̴͔͐ṋ̸̊ṡ̷̱ẽ̸̘r̷̜v̷͔̀</span>
  <span>i̸͔̓ ̷͕̓ḛ̶̅o̴͚͠r̸̛͜u̴̥̇m̴̲̚</span>
  <span> ̵̐͜e̵͎̚t̸͉̑</span>
  <span> ̶̻̍f̵̰́r̵̬͠a̷̛̟t̷̗͌r̷̗̕e̷̝͘s̵͖̄</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then the light was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath. Looked down at his hands. They were still there. Looked around the room. It was still there. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>hey.did.you.see.my.pet.go.through.here</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The voice was inside his head, but still he turned towards it. A glowing figure was hovering in the air. It’s face was indistinct, flickering from a male to female impression and back again, but with no clearly defined or consistent characteristics.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” He said, very quietly. He definitely did not want Darwinism to hear him if he was having some kind of mental breakdown.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>my.our.pet.we.are.looking.for.it.have.you.seen.it.let.me.know.it.is.important.it.is.not.stable.yet</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not. Stable? What do you-” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>i.could.take.the.knowledge.from.your.mind.don’t.make.us.be.rude.did.you.see.it.just.answer.us.it’s.an.easy.question</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw- something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>ok.can.you.just.let.us.take.the.information.from.your.mind.this.is.ridiculous.it.will.take.like.five.seconds</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>we.are.soulism.not.that.it.is.your.business.now.will.you.help.me.we.do.not.have.all.aeon</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“O-ok?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment he felt like he was being turned inside out and squeezed through a tube. Then, just as suddenly, he was back again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>great.thanks.that.was.very.helpful.and.since.you.did.us.a.favor.i.helped.you.with.your.problem.too.you.are.welcome</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What p-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the thing had already vanished.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First tell me who you think you are!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two very familiar voices argued behind him. Skin crawling and stomach churning, he turned toward them. Despite his suspicions, he nearly fell out of his chair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was standing in front of himself. He was pointing at himself angrily when he saw himself looking at himself from the chair and said, “Another one?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s when he fainted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>****</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s waking up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The voice was at the edge of his consciousness. He was still distracted by the remnants of a dream. Some strange light and then a creature with many faces. And then there had been three of him. A very weird dream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey. Hey! Wake up before Darwinism finds out and accuses us of being weak for fainting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat up with a jolt. He was standing over himself, and nearby he was looking at himselves with a very annoyed expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t a dream.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unfortunately not. We have been discussing this with ourself while you were out. We feel confident that we are both ourself, but have no memory of how we got here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t remember the blinding light? Or the man woman thing? Soulism I think they were called?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They looked at each other, then back at him. “Did you take any drugs or-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It was real. I think-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh. We are ashamed of ourself. You think? Are we just making assertions without challenge now? I am certain that he is me but I am not so sure about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that the existence of a non-standard being is hardly illogical when I am sitting here with myself and my other self.” He snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He makes a good point.” His other self acknowledged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A being with advanced technology would be able to do something like create multiple versions of us, that is true. But the question is why? That is what we have not been able to figure out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They said they wanted to help us with our problem. But I don’t know what-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His cheeks felt warm again. There were exactly three of him. He could think of one problem that might solve.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” He asked himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember thinking about-” He pushed himself to continue. “Whether we might or might not have feelings for the other ideologies?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I remember. But of course that’s-” His cheeks noticeably reddened. Across the room he also started to blush.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course we don’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Although sometimes IngSoc-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When Darwinism isn’t being so-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean Communalism is really cute and-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn.” They all said in unison.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we have to be honest with ourselves.” He said, “We wanted a challenge, and we found it. Why not explore that? What’s the worst that could happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darwinism might kill me.” He said, suddenly very pale.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’m not sure it’s a good idea to let IngSoc have power over me. Even if he is very interesting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have to do this. Just because Soulism seemed to think they were helping us doesn’t mean we have to do what they wanted us to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “But now that we know that we feel this way, do we really feel comfortable not investigating this feeling until we truly understand it and are no longer spooked by it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a moment, and then all repeated “Damn.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Proposal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Egoisms have a proposal for the other ideologies</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What the hell did you do?”<br/>
“Double plus ungood.”<br/>
“Yay! Now we have more people in the house!”<br/>
They had decided that the best course of action was to just tell the other housemates what had happened. After all, they couldn’t easily hide it from IngSoc’s many cameras anyway. He mostly agreed with their decision, but the look in Darwinism’s eye especially made him nervous.<br/>
“There was a light-”<br/>
“-and we wanted to try an experiment-”<br/>
“-thought this was a good opportunity for study-”<br/>
“-and then there were three of us so-”<br/>
“Oh my God somehow you got more annoying.” Darwinism pulled out his knife. “I vote we kill them all.”<br/>
“Let’s hear what they have to say.” IngSoc stepped in front of Darwinism and then looked towards him. “You said something about an experiment.”<br/>
“Oh, yes. I-” He was suddenly flustered.<br/>
“We thought this was a good opportunity for us to study you on a one on one basis. To try to understand you all better.” He interrupted himself, saving himself from further embarrassment.<br/>
“You want to study us? Like animals?” Darwinism looked at IngSoc. “Can I kill them now?”<br/>
“No, not like animals. I am sorry if I offended you. Sometimes I don’t always phrase things well. I came to this house to be challenged by other ideologies, and I think I have done you all a disservice. My habits are solitary, and I convinced myself that it was in my best interest to not get more deeply involved with you all. I think I was wrong, and it seems that Soulism also agreed that I was wrong.”<br/>
“Soulism?” IngSoc asked.<br/>
“I think they might be another ideology. They appeared in a flash of light and then-” He gestured at himselves. “This happened.”<br/>
“I would like to take you up on your offer.” IngSoc said, stepping closer to him and looking him over thoroughly. “If this ideology is using you against the party we will discover it. We have our ways.”<br/>
“He is not the one that is interested in you.” He said, pulling himself away from IngSoc. “We decided before this and he is going with Communalism.”<br/>
“How wonderful!” Communalism came over and wrapped him in a hug. “I always knew you liked us.”<br/>
“You will do.” IngSoc said, pulling him closer. “Let’s talk in my room about the terms of this interrogation.”<br/>
“ What interro-” He started to say, but then he disappeared as IngSoc pulled him roughly and they disappeared behind his bedroom door.<br/>
“I’m not doing it.” Darwinism said. “I am not interested in your stupid mind games Egoism.”<br/>
“Why? Are you afraid?” He said, pushing past himself and the still smiling Communalism. “Killing doesn’t frighten you, but an intellectual conversation, that terrifies you?”<br/>
“I would destroy you in every way at any time.” Darwinism stabbed his knife into the wall behind him, missing him by inches. “If this is so important to you, we can discuss *my* terms in *my* room.”<br/>
“How do I know you aren’t just planning to get me away from myself and kill me?”<br/>
“You don’t. How much does this stupid game mean to you?”<br/>
Darwinism stalked off, slamming his door behind him. He looked up at himself and he was shaking. Pulling away from Communalism, he put his arm comfortingly on his shoulder.<br/>
“You don’t have to do this.”<br/>
“I do. I really do. Otherwise I’ll never know, and I won’t be able to live with myself.”<br/>
He pulled away from himself. Resolutely he walked across the room and reached for Darwinism’s bedroom door handle. With a deep breath, he pulled the door open and stepped through.<br/>
“I guess we could go to our bedroom too?” Communalism asked with a smile.<br/>
“Sure.” He said, glancing briefly back at Darwinism’s door. At least no one was screaming yet.</p><p>“Sit.” IngSoc ordered.<br/>
IngSoc’s room was extremely neat. Besides his bed the only other visible item was a desk and a single chair. There was nothing on the desk.<br/>
“Sit where?”<br/>
“I will ask the questions.” IngSoc grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him gently into the chair. Then he reached into the desk and pulled out a syringe.<br/>
“What-”<br/>
“Be quiet or I will gag you.” He grabbed his arm and before he could do anything, injected the contents of the syringe into it.<br/>
He should run. Mentally he considered the possibility of running. Physically his body was not responding to his commands.<br/>
“That’s better. This will help you to be receptive to interrogation. Now tell me, are you a spy?”<br/>
“No.” He felt calm. It was strange. Usually he always felt a little bit of anxiety, a sense that he had to be alert at all times to avoid being taken in by spooks. But now he wasn’t thinking about anything.<br/>
“Good. In the other room you said you wanted to study me. Is that true?”<br/>
“I thought I might be in love with you and I wanted to find out.”<br/>
“Love?” IngSoc smiled. “That is interesting. I always knew we were similar Egoism, but I never thought you would admit it.”<br/>
He nodded, unable to do anything else.<br/>
“Alright, I accept your proposal. You will go back to your room and put yourself to bed. I will leave a list of instructions on your night stand, and when you wake up you are to follow them exactly. Are we understood?”<br/>
He nodded again, stood, and left.</p><p>	He wasn’t sure what he expected to see when he opened Darwinism’s door. Probably a pile of dead animals. Possibly a pile of dead people.<br/>
But Darwinism’s room was almost normal looking. A bed and a large bookshelf. The only pile was clothes with dark brown stains. And against one wall a rack of every possible weapon you could imagine.<br/>
“Admiring my collection?”<br/>
Darwinism was suddenly behind him, holding a knife to his throat. This one was smaller than the one he usually carried, possibly a pocket knife. The size didn’t stop him from gasping in terror.<br/>
“Have you studied me enough yet?”<br/>
“P-please don’t kill me.” He begged.<br/>
“Why?”<br/>
“I-” Something on the bookshelf caught his eye. “You have my book.”<br/>
“What?”<br/>
“The Unique and It’s Own. You have it.”<br/>
“So?”<br/>
“Have you read it?”<br/>
“I’ve read all of those books. And more. Probably more than you.”<br/>
“And you never wanted anyone to discuss them with?”<br/>
“Look.” Darwinism pulled the knife away. “I appreciate the flattery, but you don’t understand anything about me. I don’t read these books so I can have fancy conversations. I read them so I will understand how to beat idiots like you who spend all day in the library.”<br/>
“Why do you care so much about beating everyone?” He asked, backing away from Darwinism.<br/>
“You all are so afraid all of the time.” Darwinism said, waiving the knife in the air to punctuate his words. “Being afraid of life is for the weak. I know that I will be ready no matter what comes for me. When you all are crying for your mommies I will just be racking up more victories.”<br/>
“I admire that.” Now that the knife wasn’t at his throat he could see that Darwinism had taken off his shirt, showing off his very distracting muscles. “I wish I were more like you.”<br/>
“You want to be more like me?” Darwinism looked thoughtful, then reached up and pulled a machete off the wall.<br/>
“Don’t kill me!” He squealed.<br/>
“Relax.” Darwinism offered him the machete. “If you are serious about all this, meet me here tomorrow morning, before dawn. Don’t wear your usual garbage. Wear something you can run in. And bring this.”<br/>
“Uh. Thanks. I-”<br/>
“I’m done being nice.” Darwinism said, opening the door and shoving him through it. “See you tomorrow morning.”<br/>
Then the door slammed in his face.</p><p>“We are so glad you are spending time with us Egoism. We always wanted to get to know you.”<br/>
Communalism’s room was very messy. He couldn’t identify half of the things that were on the floor. There was nowhere to sit that wasn’t covered in a pile of something so he stayed standing.<br/>
“Where did you get all this stuff?”<br/>
“We found it. Do you like it?” Communalism picked up a hammer from the floor. “How does this make you feel?”<br/>
“The hammer?”<br/>
“Yes.”<br/>
“It’s a hammer?”<br/>
“This makes us think of building and making things.” Communalism put the hammer to their cheek. “Happy memories.”<br/>
Then Communalism bent down and picked up a banana. “How does this make you feel?”<br/>
“Why do you have a banana on your floor?”<br/>
“Bananas are so tasty. We love them.” Communalism peeled the banana and took a bite. “So yummy!”<br/>
After chewing for a moment Communalism put the banana back on the floor and picked up a pen. “How does this make you feel?”<br/>
“Will you stop asking me how I feel!”<br/>
“You seem angry.” Communalism said. “Can you tell me about it?”<br/>
“I am logical and I do not get distracted by feelings.”<br/>
“You seem distracted.” Communalism bent down and picked up the banana. “Are you hungry?”<br/>
“I am not angry and I do not want your floor banana!”<br/>
“Our floor banana.” They said, smiling.<br/>
“We are supposed to be talking about your terms for letting me study you.”<br/>
“Terms? We don’t have any terms.” Communalism hugged him. “We just want to do whatever makes you happy. What makes you happy Egoism?”<br/>
“Well-I-I mean. I am always happy. I do what I want, of course I’m happy.”<br/>
“But what makes you happy?”<br/>
The wide innocent eyes stared up at him. He opened his mouth. Closed it.<br/>
“Damn.” He said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Dance with Death</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Egoism has a date with Darwinism</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He reached over to turn off the alarm one minute before it would have alerted him that it was 4:30 am. Since he hadn’t managed to sleep at all it wasn’t serving any other purpose. The combination of fear about what Darwinism had planned for him and fear that he hadn’t correctly predicted what time dawn was had kept him awake.<br/>	His other selves were both still asleep. He dressed quietly in the most flexible clothing he owned, which happened to be a pair of pajamas.The color was his usual plain teal green and black, so he hoped it would pass as a sweatshirt and sweatpants.<br/>	After dressing he stood for a moment, holding the machete and trembling. This was the worst idea he had ever had. He was definitely putting himself in mortal danger. Darwinism was practically the definition of mortal danger.<br/>	But somehow he found himself moving forward. Something inside him, whatever had compelled him to admire Darwinism, would not allow him to stay. His heart was beating fast and he felt a rush of adrenaline as he knocked on Darwinism’s bedroom door.<br/>	The door opened. Darwinism was wearing a black wife beater tank top with criss crossed knife bandoliers and black cargo pants. He looked at Egoism and sneered.<br/>“That’s what you’re wearing? Wow.”<br/>“Physical activity isn’t my specialty.”<br/>“Honestly I’m amazed you showed up. When Soulism separated you she must have given you the best parts. Still terrible, but not bad for you.”<br/>“Thanks.”<br/>“I thought about it and decided you should take this instead.” He pulled a gun from his back pocket and handed it to him. <br/>“My god.” He nearly dropped it. “I don’t know anything about guns. I’m more likely to shoot myself.”<br/>“Too bad.” Darwinism took the now forgotten machete from him and sheathed it somewhere on his back. “I know I can handle myself with a blade but a weakling like you, I’m not so sure. Do you need me to explain the basics?”<br/>“No. I mean.” He gestured at the gun. “I understand guns conceptually. You’ve clearly already deliberately disabled the safety so I assume I just cock it and pull the trigger? But from a physical standpoint-”<br/>“Enough words. Less talking, more hunting.” Darwinism’s sneer turned into a wide grin as he grabbed Egoism and pulled him towards the door. “Have you ever seen a bear before?”<br/>“I-” For a moment he was too shocked to respond. “In a zoo?”<br/>“Ha. Zoos. Let me tell you about zoos.”<br/>	They were already outside and moving through the woods. Egoism had generally avoided exploring the area, so he was almost immediately disoriented. Darwinism ignored his distress and just kept pulling him along.<br/>“A zoo is an excellent metaphor for society. You take all the animals and you put each one in its little cage. Everything is so neat and tidy and orderly and *safe*. Even the little bitty kiddies can come and see the bears. It’s fun for the whole family! But take away the cages and those animals will eat each other, and the kiddies too.”<br/>“How is that like society?”<br/>“People like you, with your fancy words, you try to say how the world is supposed to be. Making cages for people. Walling up our impulses so that even the little kiddies can come and stare at us and nothing bad will ever happen. But none of that is real. Underneath it all, we’re still all animals. And as soon as your pretty words break down then it’s survival of the fittest again.”<br/>“Fine. You are saying that society is a spook. I don’t disagree. But I think survival of the fittest is also a spook.”<br/>“Everything is a spook with you. You are just trying to get out of answering the only question that matters. What makes someone the best? When everything goes to hell what makes one person the winner and another person the loser? In the beginning, all we had was chemical soup and lightning, and now we have human beings and machine guns. That isn’t an accident. The best things win, and they keep winning.”<br/>“That just proves my point. Human beings-”<br/>	He was interrupted by the sound of growling. Terrified, he froze on the spot. Darwinism cursed.<br/>“You distracted me. Normally I wouldn’t let myself get surrounded.” <br/>	Darwinism crouched down, pulling a knife from his bandolier with both hands simultaneously. Egoism had to acknowledge that the effect had a certain visual appeal, and Darwinism especially made it look good. But he was quickly distracted from his admiration by a blurry white shape launching itself at him.<br/>	Before the teeth could lodge themselves in his throat Darwinism had somehow managed to stab the thing in the face. It went down, whimpering and bleeding profusely. It was then that Egoism realized that it was a wolf.<br/>“Get down. I can’t protect you and myself at the same time. Especially if you make yourself a giant target.”<br/>	He didn’t have to be told twice. Throwing himself on the ground he tried to shield himself with the corpse of the wolf. He pulled out the gun and held it shakily in his hands, still not sure that he could will himself to pull the trigger.<br/>	Suddenly white blurs were everywhere. Darwinism moved like he was made of liquid. The knives flashed in the weak early rays of the rising sun and blood sprayed like rain. Egoism felt like he was caught in a tornado of death.<br/>	Then the flurry of motion stopped. Darwinism was standing by himself, covered in blood, surrounded by the corpses of five wolves. He was panting raggedly, but he was grinning.<br/>“You see-”<br/>	Just as Darwinism was turning towards him to brag a white shape suddenly appeared, jaws embedded in Darwinism’s side. Darwinism cried out and stumbled, falling to the ground. He screamed, grabbing the wolf’s jaws with his bare hands and wrenching them apart.<br/>“Darwinism-” The gun shook in his hand and he still couldn’t bring himself to fire.<br/>	Thankfully Darwinism had regained enough composure to reach for a knife. With a vicious backhand he slit the wolf’s throat and it fell away from him. In the massive resulting pool of blood it was impossible to tell how much was from the wolf and how much was from Darwinism himself.<br/>“Are you alright?” He moved over to Darwinism, gesturing vaguely at the wound at his side.<br/>“I’ve had worse.” He laughed. Grimacing, he reached up and managed to pull off the black tank top, revealing an angry row of still bleeding bite marks.<br/>“My god.”<br/>“Stop crying and help me.” Darwinism held out the shirt. “You can press this against the wound, but I’m going to need your shirt too, to tie it off.”<br/>“M-my shirt?” <br/>	Darwinism just stared at him.<br/>“Right.” He reached up and pulled off the pajama top, handing it to Darwinism.<br/>	Darwinism started tearing the shirt into strips. “I told you to press my shirt against the wound.”<br/>“Right. Sorry.” <br/>	He reached down, kneeling very close to Darwinism’s chest. He could feel the heat from his body and smell the sweat. It smelled good.<br/>“This is exactly what I was trying to say.”<br/>“What?” Darwinism looked up at him, still holding the strips of his shirt in his hands.<br/>“Human beings individually are not strong. We don’t have strong teeth or sharp claws. Survival for humans is not about being the fittest. It is about cooperation.”<br/>“Complete garbage.” Darwinism handed him the strips, looking annoyed.”Human beings are strong because of our intelligence. We make our own teeth and claws.”<br/>“Even with your knives this still happened. And if I wasn’t here to bandage you, then what would you do?”<br/>“You would have helped me more if you had shot that wolf instead of watching it try to eat me.” Darwinism sneered. “You think I’ve never had to bandage myself up before?”<br/>“I think-”<br/>	There was a crash. A big crash. And something big had caused it.<br/>“The bear.” Egoism started shaking.<br/>Darwinism tried to stand, winced, and then sat down again. “Damn. Light headed. I lost more blood than I thought.”<br/>“What do we do?”<br/>“You could run.”<br/>“What? I wouldn’t-”<br/>“You know that’s what I would do.”<br/>“It doesn’t matter. I-”<br/>	The bear did not appear as quickly as the wolves had. It took it’s time, snuffling slowly closer to them. As if it didn’t even care that they were there.<br/>	But it had clearly smelled the blood. It lifted it’s head, looking straight at Darwinism. Then, just as painfully slowly, it raised itself on its hind legs and roared.<br/>BANG<br/>	The bear fell to the ground with a thud. Egoism’s heart was beating so fast it felt like it would run out of his throat and away. The gun in his hand was still smoking slightly from firing.<br/>“Huh.” Darwinism said, and stood.<br/>“What are you doing? The blood loss-”<br/>“Be quiet.”<br/>	Darwinism walked over to the bear. He pulled the machete out from behind his back. Then, taking a deep breath, he swung it down hard.<br/>	The bear’s head rolled away. Darwinism bent down and picked it up. Then he carried it over and set it in Egoism’s lap. <br/>“That’s yours.” He said. Then he turned, clutching his shirt to his side, and walked away.<br/>	Egoism just sat there for a moment, staring into the dead eyes of the bear. Dead. And dead because of him.<br/>	He should feel terrible. Taking a life was the worst form of denying a creature their freedom. Denying their rights as an individual.<br/>But instead he felt so, so very alive.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Literal Torture</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I don't know what people think would happen with IngSoc but this chapter is about literal torture so if that triggers you don't read it (but no graphic blood or dismemberment etc. All of that was in Darwinism's chapter)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He woke up in a cold sweat. In his dream he had been trying to run from something, but it felt like he was running through water. And then he had turned around and all he could see was a single giant eye.<br/>
He reached for his glasses on the nightstand. They weren’t there. Instead his fingers brushed against a piece of paper.<br/>
Suddenly he remembered several things all at once. IngSoc drugging him. IngSoc ordering him to bed. IngSoc telling him that he would leave the instructions that he now picked up with shaking hands.<br/>
“No. Oh, no. No.” He found himself whispering as he read.<br/>
<i>1) I have your glasses. Sight is blindness</i><br/>
<i>2) Put on your favorite clothing</i><br/>
<i> 3) Find and take your most prized possession</i><br/>
<i> 4) Meet me in my room</i><br/>
“This is insane.” The paper shook in his hands. “Why am I doing this?”<br/>
But then somehow he was moving. Searching through his drawers. Getting dressed. Driven by something he couldn’t explain.<br/>
IngSoc felt like the answer to a question that he didn’t even know how to ask. His skin was prickling with a mixture of terror and anticipation. He didn’t know which one worried him more.<br/>
When he had finished dressing he stood for a moment, looking at his bookcase. Of course he knew what he had to take. Surely IngSoc had known, when he wrote the demands. He reached up and pulled the Unique and It’s Own from the shelf. He stared at it again. Considered, then reconsidered. Almost put it back.<br/>
But, driven by whatever undeniable impulse, he tucked it under his arm and managed to make himself take it to IngSoc’s door.<br/>
The door opened almost as if by magic. He did not see IngSoc. The room was dark, and without his glasses he could not see anything at all. Still, the implication was clear. He stepped through the doorway and the door slammed shut behind him.<br/>
“Egoism. I was expecting you.”<br/>
IngSoc was suddenly beside him. He looked from his face and down to the book and nodded.<br/>
“You brought the book. Good.”<br/>
IngSoc gestured. An opening appeared in the wall, and inside it he could see flames. An incinerator?<br/>
“Throw the book in the fire.”<br/>
“What? No!” He said, backing away from IngSoc.<br/>
“Now you understand that you are not under the influence of the drug anymore. You can disobey me.” IngSoc gestured and the opening disappeared. “Leave the book on the floor and take off your clothes.”<br/>
“What? I-”<br/>
IngSoc gave him a bored look. He reached up and pulled off his own shirt, exposing the long pale whiteness of his chest. When he reached for his pants Egoism turned away. Then, fighting his embarrassment, he put down the book and started to undress.<br/>
Once he was completely naked, he stood, shivering, unable to turn and look back at IngSoc. But then he felt a hand on his shoulder.<br/>
“Come with me.”<br/>
IngSoc pulled him and he followed. Without his glasses he did not get the full effect of IngSoc’s nakedness, but it was still striking. Pale with long tight muscles. Impressive but not excessive.<br/>
“Kneel”<br/>
IngSoc pushed him down. His knees landed on hard wood with a thud. He fell forward onto something soft.<br/>
“Put out your arms.”<br/>
Trembling he lifted his arms up. He felt something close over them with a snap.<br/>
IngSoc knelt down next to him. He sighed breathlessly, as if in anticipation. A sound so unnaturally human coming from IngSoc that it made his skin crawl. There was a second snapping sound.<br/>
“What-”<br/>
A blinding light snapped on above IngSoc, leaving him in darkness. He could now see that IngSoc’s hands were encased in what looked like a shiny black box. Presumably his were as well.<br/>
“Do you love me Egoism?” IngSoc said, the light illuminating his head like a halo.<br/>
“I. I like you. I think.”<br/>
“You like being here with me, like this?”<br/>
“I-” His eyes traced down IngSoc’s body. “I do.”<br/>
“How much?”<br/>
“What? I-”<br/>
Pain. It felt like his hands were being sliced into ribbons with tiny scalpels. He screamed and tried to pull away, but the box held tight. The angle of the box also meant that the act of trying to pull away tore at his shoulders and his back, and made him hyper aware of the pain of his knees on the hard wood.<br/>
“Struggling is futile. You will only hurt yourself.”<br/>
The pain stopped as suddenly as it had started. He sat, panting, flexing his fingers. Trying to convince himself that they were still there.<br/>
“Do you love me?”<br/>
“Oh God. No. No! Please no.”<br/>
IngSoc shook his head.<br/>
Pain. More than before. Shockingly more. Now it felt like the skin on his hands was being peeled away. And after each strip was peeled away, somehow another lower level was still left to be peeled away.<br/>
The pain stopped again. Just as suddenly as before.<br/>
“And now?”<br/>
“No. I hate you. I hate you I hate you.”<br/>
“Good.” IngSoc smiled. “Love is hate.”<br/>
An image appeared behind IngSoc’s head. Without his glasses he could barely make it out, but he still knew. His book. His precious book.<br/>
“Do you love this?” IngSoc asked.<br/>
“Please. Please.” He begged.<br/>
The pain was unimaginable. He would have given anything to go back to the first pain. Needles were being slammed under his fingernails. One. Two. He lost count how many shards of pain were stabbing into him. Time lost all meaning.<br/>
Then nothing.<br/>
He looked over at IngSoc. IngSoc’s eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly parted. Then he opened them and looked at Egoism, the image of the book reappearing behind his head.<br/>
“The box.” He said, horrified. “It hurts you too.”<br/>
“Pain is pleasure.” IngSoc said, then turned his head to look at the book and asked, “Do you love this?”<br/>
“I hate it.” He said, wanting the pain to end.<br/>
“You’re lying.” IngSoc said in his bored tone.<br/>
Horrifying mind numbing pain. He lost count of the waves of pain and questions for a while after that. Each time somehow the level of pain increased until it felt like his very thoughts were causing him pain.<br/>
“Do you love this?”<br/>
“I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.” He said, not even knowing what he was talking about anymore. Just hating the horrible image and needing the pain to stop.<br/>
“Good. Now.” An image of Egoism standing in IngSoc’s door appeared. “Who is this?”<br/>
“It-” He was terrified of giving the wrong answer, but he couldn’t stop himself. “It’s me?”<br/>
Pain became the whole world. The floors were pain. The walls were pain. IngSoc’s beautiful long body was pain. The universe was pain. Nothing was left in the entire world but pain.<br/>
“Who is this?”<br/>
He stared at IngSoc. Pathetically he started to cry.<br/>
“Who is this?”<br/>
“It’s me. It’s me. Me.” He said, weeping miserably.<br/>
There was a click. The box had opened. Suddenly free from the only thing that had held him up, he fell forward onto IngSoc.<br/>
He felt IngSoc’s hands in his hair. Gently stroking his head. The blinding light above him went out, and the normal room lights came on.<br/>
“Shh. Shh. It’s over.” IngSoc said, still stroking his head.<br/>
“Why.” He sobbed. “Why?”<br/>
“Come with me.” IngSoc said, lifting him up.<br/>
Even with the light he could barely see, so he didn’t understand immediately where they were going. But then slowly the dark blob on the floor resolved into a pile of objects. His books and his clothes.<br/>
Rage flooded him. Complete, blinding rage. He launched himself at the pile, tearing pages from the hateful book and ripping the hateful clothes into pieces. An absolute tornado of destruction and anger.<br/>
When the rage passed he looked down and saw what he had done. Saw what he had destroyed.<br/>
Everything he had loved. Everything he had believed in. It was all gone.<br/>
“Who are you?” IngSoc asked, kneeling down. “Truly, purely. Without your spooks. Who are you really?”<br/>
“No one.” He answered, staring down at his own hands in horror.<br/>
“Good.” IngSoc replied. “Welcome to the Party.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Emotional Logic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>One of the housemates isn't a complete monster hooray!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Good morning!”<br/>	He blinked and opened his eyes. A fuzzy blob was standing over him. He reached over to the living room table and picked up his glasses and the blob resolved itself into Communalism.<br/>“Why did you sleep on the couch?” They asked.<br/>“The others wanted the bed.” <br/>“Aww. We knew you were really nice Egoism.”<br/>“I-” He blushed. <br/>Since Soulism had separated him he felt himself reacting more. It was deeply embarrassing, but he recognized that the entire purpose of this was an exploration of the other ideologies. It had occurred to him that maybe Soulism had not made identical copies, but had actually separated him into parts that resonated with the other housemates. But even with this rational logic, with the understanding that this was not truly his own emotional response, it did not make the sense of vulnerability any easier to manage.<br/>“The others of you are out of our room now. We checked.We realized that since you are an individualist you would feel more comfortable in our other room than in our room. Sometimes we forget that. We’re sorry.”<br/>“What?” <br/>“Come on.” Communalism grabbed his hand. <br/>	He felt warm. A literal physical sensation of warmth from Communalism’s hand in his. And a sense of comfort and peace that came from the firm pressure of human contact.<br/>“Oh God.” He pulled his hand away.<br/>“What’s wrong?” Communalism asked.<br/>“Nothing. Just- can you not touch me right now?”<br/>“Of course. We’re sorry.”<br/>	Communalism gestured and led him to his own bedroom door. Now he understood. Communalism’s other room was his room. Of course.<br/>“We can sit on our bed. Doesn’t that sound nice?”<br/>	The combined thought of Communalism and the bed ignited in his mind. What would it mean to fall into that bed with Communalism? For them to touch more than hands? Would that warm feeling that had overwhelmed him ignite into an inferno?<br/>“Maybe not the bed.” He squeaked.<br/>“Oh no. We almost forgot. Are you still traumatized about the squirrel?” Tears formed in Communalism’s eyes. “I still can’t believe Darwinism did that. That poor creature.”<br/>“Oh. Yes. The squirrel. Right.”<br/>“You can tell us about it. It always helps us to talk about our feelings.”<br/>“My feelings? About the squirrel? I mean-” <br/>	Mentally he felt confident that he didn’t care about the squirrel. But whatever was happening to him had no regard for his mental preference. As soon as he thought about the blood spattered body and the shock of waking up next to it he was filled with despair. Suddenly, horrifyingly, he found himself openly weeping.<br/>“It-it was horrible.” He sobbed. His legs felt weak and he sat heavily on the floor.<br/>“Oh Egoism. We’re so sorry.” Communalism sat down next to him and put their hand on his shoulder.<br/>“What is happening to me?” He sobbed, unable to get the horrible image of the blood spattered corpse out of his mind. <br/>“We could tell it was hurting you Egoism. Why can you never ask anyone for help? We can’t undo what Darwinism did, but you don’t have to deal with it by yourself.”<br/>“I don’t want to feel this.” He fell forward, wrapping his arms around Communalism. Communalism moved his hand from his shoulder to his back and started rubbing him in slow wide circles. “I’m a logical person. This isn’t logical.”<br/>“You have emotions Egoism. Isn’t it illogical to pretend that you don’t?”<br/>	He looked up at Communalism. His smiling face was so soft and kind. Egoism had always believed that softness and kindness were also an indication of stupidity. And yet here they were, and Communalism had just decimated the foundation of all of his intellectual arguments.<br/>“I’m sorry Communalism.” He said, pulling away. “I underestimated you. I never understood emotions so I told myself that they didn’t matter, or that only mastering my emotions mattered. But I never actually mastered them. I just ignored them.”<br/>“We’re proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to admit that.” <br/>“No one is ever proud of me. No one ever even likes me. I’m so-” He felt the tears coming again and he couldn’t stop them. “I’m so lonely!”<br/>“We know Egoism. We know.”<br/>	Communalism leaned in this time, wrapping his arms around him. Egoism just sobbed. He felt like something was breaking inside of him.<br/>“What is wrong with me?” He whispered into Communalism’s shoulder.<br/>“Nothing is wrong with you except that you can’t stop thinking there is something wrong with you.”<br/>“Oh Communalism.” He lifted his head. “I don’t deserve you. You are too good for all of us. You are too good for this place.”<br/>“Egoism no one deserves to be happy anymore than anyone else. We all deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy.”<br/>	The warm feelings that he had tried to run from were overwhelming him now. Communalism’s face was so beautiful. Everything felt so beautiful and so warm and so right.<br/>	He leaned in and pressed his lips against Communalism’s. <br/>	Pure bliss. Like being lit on fire from the inside. A bonfire. An inferno.<br/>	He pulled away, gasping. Communalism was smiling and blushing. Beautiful. So beautiful.<br/>“I’m sorry. I can’t control myself. I-”<br/>“It was nice. We liked it.” Communalism stroked his arm. “You don’t need to be sorry.”<br/> “I feel like a child. God, why didn’t I ever spend any time understanding my emotions? I don’t know how to do anything.”<br/>“You’re fine. We’re fine.” Communalism continued stroking him.<br/>“I thought I wanted to logically understand my emotional responses. To move past them. But maybe what Soulism wants me to understand is that I need to emotionally understand my logical responses and move past them instead.”<br/>“We are so glad we can share this with you Egoism. It really sounds like you had a breakthrough!”<br/>	Communalism’s face was still soft and kind. But whatever compelling force it had had on him was gone. It was just Communalism’s face again.<br/>	The overwhelming warmth was fading. He realized that trying to fight it had only amplified it. Had turned it into a forbidden thing and made it irresistible.<br/>	But now that he had stopped fighting his emotions he was able to have a moment of clarity. The warmth and kindness that Communalism was giving him was something incredibly necessary for his happiness that he had been denying himself. But Communalism himself was not what he wanted.<br/>Communalism loved everyone unconditionally. And what he wanted, what he desperately needed, was for someone to love him and only him. For someone to know and respect his uniqueness, and to be able to know and respect their uniqueness in return.<br/>“Thank you Communalism.” He said, standing. “But I think you should go. I need to be alone for a little while.”<br/>“We understand.” Communalism also stood. “We are glad you feel comfortable sharing your needs with us! This is so exciting Egoism! We are so happy for you!”<br/>	Communalism turned and walked to the door. But before leaving they turned and said, “We are always here for you Egoism. Don’t forget that ok?”<br/>“I won’t.” He said, and was surprised to realize he meant it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Coming Together</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Egoism has a conversation with the other Egoisms</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After Communalism left he felt compelled to write. It was strange for him. He had read so many books but he had never really felt compelled to write one himself. But now he felt like there was something inside of him that he had to express, and writing felt like a comfortable way to do it.<br/>
<i>Happiness. What is happiness? I dedicated my life to individuality and maximizing my individual satisfaction. But somehow I never really stopped to ask myself, what is satisfaction? How do I measure satisfaction? What if satisfaction, itself, is just a spook? And if the idea of maximizing my satisfaction was a spook, what was I trying to hide from myself through that spook? My experience with Communalism would suggest-</i><br/>
The door opened. He turned and saw himself standing in the doorway. He was covered in blood and had a slightly glazed look in his eyes.<br/>
“My God. Are you okay?” He stood and walked over to himself, seeing that he was actually naked from the waist up and wearing what looked like pajama bottoms.<br/>
He looked up at himself as if surprised to see that someone else was in the room. “I killed a bear.” He said simply.<br/>
“What?”<br/>
“I shot it and it died.” He looked down at his hands. “I never thought about whether or not I was capable of killing something. And now I know.”<br/>
“Why were you even anywhere near a bear?” He was gripping himself by the shoulders now, concerned about the still blank look on his face.<br/>
“Darwinism took me hunting. Then he left me alone in the woods. I was so lost. It’s a miracle I found my way back.”<br/>
“That’s terrible. I am so sorry.” He found himself leaning in and wrapping his arms around himself.<br/>
“That’s not the worst of it. I think- I enjoyed it. I know I did. Oh God.” He reached up and clutched himself as if he were a lifeline to stop himself from drowning. “Am I a monster like him after all?”<br/>
“No. You aren’t. There’s nothing wrong with you.” He pulled back, rubbing his shoulders the way Communalism had rubbed his. “I-We aren’t good at dealing with our emotions. Can you explain how it made you feel?”<br/>
“It was exhilarating. I knew I might die, and that the bear was so much stronger than I was. And having so much power, the power to kill something so much stronger than me, was intoxicating.”<br/>
“I-We don’t usually think of ourselves as powerful. I can imagine that it was nice to feel that way, for once.” He continued to rub his shoulders. “But you don’t have to kill bears the way Darwinism does to take control of your life. And I don’t think you have any intention of killing any more bears from what you’ve said?”<br/>
“No. I would never. I never want to see a bear ever again.”<br/>
“So think of it as a lesson. Clearly there is something you were missing, and Darwinism was able to show you that. We want to feel powerful. That’s ok. Sometimes it is a good thing to be powerful.”<br/>
“Thank you. That helps.”<br/>
“I’m glad if it helps.” He blushed. “I think I learned something from Communalism too. We have feelings and we need to acknowledge them. We need to do more than acknowledge them, we have to let ourselves feel them. I-”<br/>
Suddenly he was kissing himself. There was a slight coppery taste of blood, but mostly only the warm press of his lips against his lips. After the initial shock of contact passed, he pulled away from himself, not sure how to feel.<br/>
“Sorry.” He actually blushed. “You were talking about feeling our feelings and after what happened with Darwinism-”<br/>
“It’s ok. I- You-” He laughed. “It feels wrong but also right? I get it. You are so similar to me but we are actually so different. I think that’s what we’re feeling.”<br/>
“Yes. Exactly. But it’s weird. And wrong. Probably wrong.”<br/>
“Probably. Yes. Right.”<br/>
As if by divine intervention the door opened again. He was standing in the doorway in a bathrobe. It had IngSoc’s logo on the front.<br/>
When he saw himselves his eyes went wide and he launched himself at himself with a snarl. He barely had time to put up his arms to protect his face before he was on himself. He tore at his clothes with a look of hatred that bordered on madness.<br/>
“Stop it.” He reached down and pulled himself away, throwing himself against the wall. “What are you doing?”<br/>
“I hate it. I hate it.” He snarled, closing his eyes. “Ignorance is Strength.”<br/>
“Oh. My. God.”<br/>
“Suddenly I feel like I was lucky with Darwinism.” He shook himself. “There has to be something left of him in there. We’re stronger than that. It hasn’t even been a full day since we last saw him.”<br/>
“Strength is weakness. We are no one. We are nothing. IngSoc showed me that.”<br/>
“Let me see if I can try.” He walked over to himself. “It’s clear IngSoc has done something terrible to you. Can you tell me how you are feeling?”<br/>
“Everything is a spook. Everything. Do you understand me?”<br/>
“Ah. Actually-” He walked over and picked up the writing he had been working on and brought it over to show it to himself.<br/>
He stared down at the paper. Quietly read for a moment. Then looked back up at himself.<br/>
“So you know that everything we ever believed was a spook?”<br/>
“Yes.”<br/>
“And that doesn’t make you feel empty and pointless?”<br/>
“No. I mean-”<br/>
He launched himself at himself again, but this time he didn’t attack himself. This time he just wrapped his arms around himself. He realized that he was crying.<br/>
“Please. Please. Help me. Please help me.”<br/>
“I-”<br/>
The world inverted. He felt like he was everywhere. Then nowhere. Then both everywhere and nowhere at the same time.<br/>
<i>sorry.that.was.kind.of.abrupt.but.it.seemed.like.the.right.time.so.whatever</i><br/>
He registered that Soulism was there for a second. The same glowing, flickering, floating man woman thing. Then an overwhelming wave of his own thoughts hit him like a runaway train.<br/>
<i>Please help me.</i><br/>
<i>Calm down. I’m right here. We’re right here.</i><br/>
<i>Damn. We’re ourselves again. But we’re still- also ourselves.</i><br/>
<i>Can you all- Can all of me- Please can we all just be quiet for a moment.</i><br/>
He tried to focus on his breathing. Anything to stop the suddenly overwhelming intersection of four different streams of thought. He felt like he was going mad.<br/>
<i>yeah.breathing.helps.also.just.be.respectful.of.each.other.and.take.turns.stuff.like.that.helps.for.sure</i><br/>
“What did you do to us.” He corrected himself. “To me?”<br/>
ok.we.helped.you.figure.out.your.problem.and.now.i.reset.you.you.are.welcome<br/>
“We-I don’t feel reset!” He argued, fighting another way of conflicting thoughts.<br/>
<i>ok.but.you.are.though.physiologically.speaking</i><br/>
<i>Calm down. We’ll get through this.</i><br/>
<i>No one. Pain forever. Pain. Pain.</i><br/>
<i>I think we can actually focus on trying to help him and you can manage our body for us for a little while ok?</i><br/>
“Ok.” He said, then. “My God I’m talking to myself.”<br/>
<i>you.will.get.used.to.it.we.believe.in.you.after.all.we.have.a.lot.in.common</i><br/>
Soulism smiled at him. It flickered. And for a moment he thought that he saw his own face in one of the flickers.<br/>
<i>see.you.later.byeeee</i><br/>
It said. And then it was gone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Egoism takes some time to process what has happened to him/them</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He was sitting and writing again. There were so many things about his experience that he couldn’t express clearly, but the sense of something filling him up and demanding to explode out of him was the most consistent. So he did his best to manage this feeling by putting his thoughts to paper.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Putting our thoughts on paper. All of our thoughts. Don’t act like we don’t exist.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He has the right to think of himself as himself. I am sure if you think about it that you feel the same way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are all so fixated on the question of which of us is ourself. I keep trying to explain to you that self is meaningless. The concept of self is a spook. Past the despair and the pain and the emptiness that is still the truth, even if you don’t understand it the way I do.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Can’t you understand that this is difficult for me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He lectured himselves. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I spent my entire life thinking of myself as a single thing and you have all made that complicated for me. We are not really separate. Some part of me recognizes that you were with me the entire time. And yet now I can’t ignore all the conflicting impulses in myself. You are very good at demanding my attention.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It is important to let yourself feel things and you don’t want to do that. I understand that. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He lectured himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But if you don’t acknowledge-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am trying. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He clutched the pen tightly in his hand, so that it hurt just a little. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But you cannot demand that I accept this all at once. I need to be able to manage this on my own terms. Otherwise I don’t even know how to use the term ‘I’ in a sentence. I will just disintegrate into madness.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Madness is sanity. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He said eerily.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t listen to him. Take all the time you need. We understand.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>We understand, but we aren’t going to just accept it if you try to erase us. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He sounded irritated. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We are ourself too and if you try to silence us we will challenge you and we will win.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I understand that. I do.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He unclenched his fist. There were many things about his current situation that frightened him. But, as a method of truly examining his own biases, something he had always believed that he wanted, he had to acknowledge that it was effective.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I came to the Realicide house and agreed to Grej’s terms. And only after that did I ask myself why. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He wrote. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I believed that I wanted the world to understand all the things they were ignoring. All the pain and suffering they caused themselves by believing in things that weren’t real. But what I have learned is that what I really wanted, if I am honest with myself, was to be able to let go of my own spooks. To let go of my own pain and suffering, all the unnecessary pain and suffering that my obsession with unreality had burdened me with.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath and continued. </span>
  <em>
    <span>When I met Darwinism, I hated him. Brutal, animalistic. He seemed like everything I was fighting against.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The day after he was integrated again he had run into Darwinism as he was coming back from a hunt. The smell of blood was overwhelming. Darwinism’s hands were coated in it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” He found himself staring at the blood. The memory of warm fur and death brought him forward into the body. “Thank you Darwinism. I never thanked you for what you taught me. I appreciate it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want your thanks.” Darwinism stepped forward, looking him in the eyes. “You are different now. The old you would have looked away by now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I’m tired of looking away.” He said defiantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Darwinism punched him in the stomach. Hard. He crumpled into a pile, holding his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m still stronger than you. Don’t ever forget that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He said nothing. Just continued to hold his side as Darwinism walked away. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I decided that being a coward was the same as being intelligent. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He wrote. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But I was just afraid. Darwinism showed me that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And IngSoc. I admired him. It makes me sick now to acknowledge that I admired him. Even then I must have secretly known, deep down, that he was actually my dark reflection. That the path of questioning everything could only lead to empty worship of that same path. I just didn’t want to acknowledge what that meant.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>IngSoc had cornered him in the kitchen after his integration. Pushing him against the wall, staring into his eyes. It was like he was trying to stare into his soul.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are not him.” He said. “But you are also him. How is that possible?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still feel it. Our connection.” He closed his eyes and his lips parted. A perfectly serene and peaceful expression. Then he opened his eyes and looked back at him. “The Party is inevitable. Why fight it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” He felt himself fall forward into the body, against his will. He literally fell forward onto his knees. Staring up at IngSoc beseechingly. “No. No. Please. Leave me alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There you are. You were ours, and you will be ours again.” IngSoc smiled. “But the Party is patient. We can wait.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he turned and walked away, leaving him kneeling miserably on the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Freedom is slavery. </span>
  </em>
  <span>His hand shook. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I wanted to be free. IngSoc showed me the price of that freedom. Ultimate freedom and ultimate slavery are the same.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And then there’s Communalism. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Imagining Communalism’s smiling face helped him to banish his dark thoughts. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Somehow I thought of them as the weak one. Now I realize that they are the strongest of all of us.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing Egoism?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Communalism had walked into his room without knocking, as usual. In the past it would have annoyed him. Now he just laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m writing.” He said, putting down the pen to face his friend. “In fact I was writing about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were writing about us? How nice.” Communalism smiled. “What are you writing about us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was writing about how much I admire you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww. That’s so sweet!” Communalism walked over and hugged him. “We always liked you Egoism but we really like you now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really like you too.” He said, hugging Communalism back. “But I would really like it if you would knock before entering our room.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am so sorry Egoism!” Communalism laughed. “We keep forgetting how individualistic you are! We’ll try to remember in the future.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” He said, realizing that he had called it ‘our’ room. He had to learn to be more careful about his pronouns. Communalism might not notice, and might just assume that he was humoring his own preference, but Darwinism would smell blood and come after him. “I am very individualistic. Thank you for respecting that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We always try to respect everyone’s needs even if they don’t make sense to us.” Communalism released him from the hug. “Do you have anything you want to talk to us about Egoism?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I-I mean.” He was making very loud demands of himself so he let himself come forward into the body. “Yes. I have been having a hard time lately Communalism. It has been really difficult for me to reintegrate after what happened with Soulism.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds hard. We have no idea what it is like to be so individualistic so we are not sure if we can give you advice. Maybe you just have to be nice to yourself and give yourself some time to work things out, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you are right Communalism. Thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re welcome.” Communalism turned, distracted. “We think we need some more bananas for our floor now. But we can talk again later, okay Egoism?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds great.” He said, waiting to laugh until Communalism had closed the door behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How do I feel?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He wrote. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What I feel is that words cannot express a feeling. Trying to frame my existence in words has been a prison. Emotions are powerful because they cannot be contained. We are more than a set of words or ideas. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I thought I knew who I was. Now I know that I didn’t. None of us do. I went looking for the truth, and I found it. But I never expected to find that the greatest truth would be that there is no truth. And that the greatest spook of all would be the concept of individualism itself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>That resonated with all of them. For a moment he felt whole. All of them vibrating together as one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down at his hand. The pen looked exactly the same, but his hand was flickering in and out. Flickering in and out in a very familiar way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” He said to himselves, heart beating wildly. “We are going to get very, very drunk now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And they all agreed.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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